I've just got off the phone to the samaritans. In their defence they did all they can. Why am I back here?
I've worked so hard. Why am I so weak? Why the hell can't I get past this? My life is no worse than anyone else's. How come I can't function? The lady at the samaritans asked me to think about other people I know and that maybe they have problems too. I know they do - are they sat at home looking at the prescription they just picked up and wondering how many would do the job? Do they burst in to tears at a problematic email? Do they feel like their jobs on the line because one of their suggestions was deemed 'maybe not'? Not to my knowledge. If they do they don't let on. And that's exactly what I could do up until this week - not let on.
I get paid to do a job - I have to be able to do it - I was going to say I 'should' be able to do it, but the lady at samaritans picked up on the 'should' - 'you're being too hard on yourself'. No I'm not. I should. I'm 43 years of age, have a loving family, a decent handful of friends, own my own property and have naturally curly hair! (sorry for the sarcasm). I have a degree, have decent morals and know right from wrong.
The strongest pull to 'doing it' is my family. My mum and sister care, very much. There are many people who would kill, quite literally, for that. I'm sorry. I don' want them to worry. They don't understand my mind (hell I don't) but they try very hard to accept it. But they worry. I know my mum worries all the time. She's had a shitty life, is nearing 80 and deserves to be happy. With me the way I am, she has to second guess how I am, fretting that when I say I'm ok, am I? She knows about the self harming, and is worried it will go a step further (for anyone out there who doesn't understand, self harm is a totally different kettle of fish to suicide [for any Legal people out there,please note that;s my experience]. I've experienced losing someone and so know that at least it's final, you know what you're dealing with and can therefore deal with it and eventually 'move on'. Such a large part of me wants my mum and sister to have that 'release'.
And tonight was the first time I've wanted that release too. Wanting to 'go to sleep and wake up feeling better' is a feeling/thought I've had many times over the last 18 months. But tonight it was different. I wanted it to end. Just end (I've just noticed I referred to 'wanted' in the past tense - thank God). I thought I was getting better - 'I can't live a 'long' life feeling like this.
I have no idea what I'm going to do. At this precise moment, as I type, I'm over the 'crucial' bit. Thank you lady at samaritans.
x
