This is really out of kilter with my blogs so far in that they've been about the past - this is about the present.
Firstly, to you-know-who, I'm sorry for making this public, but I don't think it will be a surprise to you....
At the height of my illness, it will be no surprise to anyone who's experienced the illness that I was drinking quite heavily. Couple that with the fact that I was feeling absolutely 100% useless, pointless, a pain in the arse and a total a disappointment to everyone who knew me....
We were having a few drinks at home; needless to say for me a few was many. But this was normal. And for once I wasn't spending the evening in and out of the toilet cutting. For me I was on a relative 'high'. And then, totally not meaning to, I bumped in to the table. My wine glass wobbled, wobbled some more, then fell and rolled off the table and in slow motion smashed on the floor.
I got shouted at, seriously shouted at. I hadn't meant to do it, I was sorry, very very sorry. No harm had been done, surely. It was just a wine glass (at that time there were several sibling wine glasses in the cupboard!). I'm sure it wasn't as bad as I recall it, but take a look back at paragraph one of this blog... I felt so ashamed, wrong, clumsy, stupid, irresponsible, useless, bad, Bad, BAD. We fell out, but deep down I knew it was my fault - such a bloody bad person....
The here and now....
That was about a 8 months ago. I've just broken a wine glass. I don't feel bad. It's just one of those things. No harm done, apart from the fact I now only have one wine glass to my name!
To anyone reading this who is feeling in a dark place, or anyone who cares about someone who is in a dark place - it can get better.
Take care, H xxx
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